I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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