so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
