I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
