Your dad touched me again.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
