An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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