I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
