i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
