Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
