My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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