Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
