I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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