I faked an abortion last night.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I can't turn off my feet"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
