I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
