Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
