WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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