We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
