After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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