I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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