I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
