1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
