I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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