she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's shark week go big or go home
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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