what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
