maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
