fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
50% drunk capacity currently
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
