Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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