i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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