i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
