that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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