You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
