I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Randomize
