So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
