Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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