I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
