i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
