Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
