My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Randomize
