im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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