Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
