all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
