Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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