I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
