The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
