Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
