Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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