Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
