I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
