dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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