Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
