i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
