Can i not drive my cunt home
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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