Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
