you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
